FOODLULZ - Satay Stir Fry, and Do Oysters Feel Pain?

Yesterday was Saturday. A mild, clement day. The gentle autumnal breeze tenderly ran its fingers through the falling leaves. Suddenly, the rustling quietness of the day was pierced by a fell cry. It was like the crash of an ant's knees on the ground as it throws itself down to beg for mercy from the giant with the magnifying glass over its head. That, mixed with the voice of Fran Drescher. The gremlins were attacking.

They tied me up me with a boa constrictor and carried me to their grim fortress in the mountain. There they held me hostage, offering me nothing but brioche and lattes for sustenance. My cat had to make out a cheque for $46.90 to get me back. She assured me it wouldn't bounce, but she's quite bad at money-related dealings. I don't know what I'll do if it bounces. Do gremlins tend to accept PayPal for ransoms?

Anyway, that is why my Saturday recipe is a day late.

STIR-FRY! YUM! With three hidden controversies, and a tangent validating peanut butter.

You will need:
Various vegetables - my favourites to use are
Carrot
Mushrooms
Snow peas
Broccoli (this presents the first controversy. Broccoli is an unloved vegetable, but in this recipe, it absorbs the sauce in its bushy head and becomes very tasty indeed.)
Spring onion
Capsicum
Cabbage

Ketjap manis (Indonesian sweet soy sauce. Widely available here, don't know about elsewhere.)
Sweet chilli sauce (controversy two - one L or two?)
Peanut butter (preferably the freshly ground stuff you get at health food shops, but from the shelf is fine)
Oyster sauce (controversy three - to be explored below.)
Garlic - two cloves
Cashews
Rice or dried noodles

Tofu cut into small cubes and fried is also nice. Add it with the mushrooms if you use it.


Slice all your vegetables. In a frying pan or wok, heat a little canola oil. Crush the garlic and fry briefly. Add the hard vegetables - carrot, capsicum, broccoli etc. Anything that takes a bit longer to cook. Splash in some water, and simmer for a few minutes. Add a large spoonful of peanut butter.

(Note on the peanut butter, because I'm aware it may seem strange: this dish is Indonesian inspired. Ground peanuts are frequently used in Indonesian cookery - gado gado springs to mind. When ground, the peanuts form a smooth paste. Our peanut butter is simply made of this paste combined with oil, salt and sugar, which is why peanut butter makes a perfectly functional alternative to ground peanuts.)

With the peanut butter, add several tablespoons of ketjap manis and a splash each of sweet chilli and oyster sauce.

This bring me to controversy three. Oyster sauce for a vegetarian! I'm a vegetarian for ethical reasons: basically, I don't want to eat something that may have suffered, I don't want to support an industry which may cause suffering, and I don't want to support an industry which is so damaging to the environment (Google this if you're interested in the environmental aspect, which is not as often explored as the cruelty aspect, or read some people's thoughts here or here).

So - do oysters feel pain? I have researched this somewhat, and opinion seems to be divided. The most convincing argument I read is that while oysters do have a pain reflex, they lack the consciousness with which to experience pain. Therefore, no, they don't. So I use oyster sauce (which has a fractional amount of actual oyster in it, anyway) when cooking for others as well as for me, but not when it's just me. I am always interested in opinions on this, though, to help me expand my own.


Dun dun! Add the rest of the vegetables, and more water if necessary. Turn the heat to very low and add the cashews, stirring briskly so they don't catch. Cover and let it simmer, stirring occasionally. The sauce will thicken and reduce. Taste it. Adjust the sauces and peanut butter - it should be very savoury. Is it lush? It should be, by now.

In the meantime, cook the rice according to the directions. If you're using noodles, they usually only take a few moments, so wait til the stir fry (wait - is this a new controversy? Should stir-fry have a hyphen or not?) is ready before cooking them.

I used rice, which takes a while. So, as you do, I made an apple house!


I wanted to make a little person out of apple peel and put it inside, but the door fell off. :(

And the food!




For some reason, we had apple pie for dessert! Just peel about seven small cooking apples and simmer them in a splash of water and a few teaspoons of sugar. When they go soft, remove from the heat and drain the liquid off. Line a pie tin with a sheet of puff pastry, pile the apples in and seal them in with another sheet of pastry. Bake at 220 degrees celsius for about half an hour. Serve with runny cream and icing sugar. Totally vile. And by vile I mean really delicious. Superfluously delicious!